Not for just the Holidays

So there’s this lady that lives not far from us, she lives in a camper with no water, no electricity and very little of anything that we all have.

I took her a bunch of clothes in a HUGE box and HUGE bag. My husband and I also bought her a heater that runs on batteries that we took her and a lot of batteries for it.

Now, she chooses to live this way from what I understand but regardless I don’t care. I didn’t want her to be cold. I gathered some blankets as well and stuffed those in the box too.

I know she smokes so I gave her some cigarettes (she’s old so why deprive her) too. I also told her before I left to come over Wednesday for a hot shower.

I’ll probably be killed for that one but I can bleach and sanitize our shower.

She deserves a nice warm, hot shower! Whether she comes for it or not, I don’t know but I offered. I’ll take her some Christmas dinner and I’ll bag her some more groceries as I always buy her $20 worth of groceries when I get our groceries.

We should always be kind to people no matter what life they choose to have. We don’t know why they choose that life and we should never judge them!

It’s not hard to be kind, scatter that everywhere!!! Love everyone and be kind always, not just at the holidays! We do this weekly for her and never ask for anything in return!

Another one bites the dust

Ever have those people that no matter what you say or do they will find a way to be negative? OH EM GEE I get so tired of negative minded people that have no filter for the words that come out of their mouths. I mean why in the world does one feel the need to be so negative?

I think some just need to learn how to be happy within their own lives and perhaps then and only then will they start to see beauty in the everyday world of today that surrounds them. I understand there are people in this world that we interact with daily that have depression or social anxiety but to always be so negative? I would hate to live a life like that and if I knew of someone who was feeling those ways I’d certainly try and help bring a smile to their face.

Smile people and laugh even if it kills you; laugh!

It was a BEAUTIFUL day yesterday!

I awoke this morning knowing that I was facing this day alone; the first in 20 years but in all honesty, I wasn’t alone!
I have so many people in my life that have enriched it and have given me the strength and courage I knew I had all these years but just needed to regain my faith in myself again. I did it!
I am closing the day with so many humbling moments I have received today in one way or another and the highlight was not only that my daughter turned 20 today and but t…hat I met a young lady that has touched me in a way that no one ever has.
Unless you have been stricken with the loss of a child you can only imagine what it’s like to walk in my shoes and hers. Yes, I am aware that grief is hard on so many levels but when it’s your child well there is no comparison! I hope for you all that you won’t ever have to go through this.
My daughter lives on through me and the moments I share with you all but most importantly it’s not an anniversary of her birthday or her death that I will face in the next few months but a celebration of the life she shared with me in such a short time.
Please don’t ever tell me to ‘get over it, it’s been years’ or ask me ‘why don’t you just let go’. I ask this of you because you must understand; letting go is like letting go of a piece of my heart that forever changed 20 years ago. Getting over it is for the weak, the strong celebrate and cherish and remember and for me; I will cherish every moment, every memory and I will create a lasting memory of her every day, every year for the rest of my life and if that offends you or bothers you; well I won’t apologize for that!
She is a part of me and she is a part of you all as I have made her to be and for the one’s who knew her they can tell you she was remarkable and had an infectious smile that lit up the darkest room! She is and always will be the part of me that will always remain a mystery!
Goodnight family and friends and thank you once again for the respect you have shown me and the kind words you’ve extended to me on this beautiful day. Once again, Happy Birthday Angel!

Strangers with a bond waiting to happen

I was having coffee when a young lady (about my age) was sitting across from me on the patio at Starbucks crying. I was hesitant to reach out to her but felt an overwhelming desire to do so.
I didn’t know the reasons for her tears and while I’m going through the day holding back my own tears I decide to reach out.
I am forever glad that I did.
This young lady is 35 years old going on her 1 year anniversary of the loss of her son.
We exchanged stories, tears, pictures of our babies and a forever friendship was created. I ask her if she’d like to go to party city and grab some balloons for our babies to release in their name and she accepted.
Two strangers with coffee in our hands climb into my car and we got those balloons and we released them hand in hand.
I am forever changed by this simple gesture and the bond we have created.

Perpetrator Vs. Victim

If you live a destructive life and continue hurting the ones who help you most time and again and are always there for you but you choose to continue a destructive life and make poor decisions they are then choices not mistakes. Eventually everyone around will get tired and say no more.
You can not be the perpetrator and the victim at the same time. When you lie, cheat, steal and hurt you are the… perpetrator NOT the victim. It’s funny how one can imagine in their own mind how they can be both. It just doesn’t work that way!
Regardless of age one can hurt someone twice their age and yet still see themselves as the victim, nope not happening and the guilt won’t set in on the victims of one’s demented ways. Life just doesn’t and won’t work that way. Time for some to grasp reality and learn what the cold hard truth is and perhaps if you can’t admit to your victims your wrong doings then maybe stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes and admit them to yourself. It takes someone with strength and values along with morals to be able to take a stance and silence the demons in ones mind. Until you can gain the courage and strength to admit and follow through with the help you truly need; you’ll continue the destruction and that path will only lead to evil not good. I can promise you that.
Gotta start somewhere and it’s gotta be with yourself first and foremost!
Random Saturday thoughts after seeing something that was twisted and untruthful!

Theives

Oh the sadness I feel right now and not for myself but for that of one I thought would be the last person who would steal from me. Family is supposed to be there to support, love and guide you and be your safe haven but what if home with this person causes you grief, anxiety no less?

To have someone steal from another is an intrusion on one’s trust, their morale, their being but when it’s family; what then?

There will be people who are in our lives whether they be family, friend or foe that we all can relate to with this quote; we mustn’t allow them to …steal our kindness from us. We also mustn’t allow their self centered ways to control our positivity, we must forgive them for ourselves for their lack of conscience that they have.
Also, we can not allow them to destroy the person we have become in a world where there are so many who will feed on our insecurities. We can’t not trust people who have done no wrong but we can raise our guard a little higher and be aware of the comings and goings within and around us!
I have learned this lesson time and again and this last time, well it was the last time!

 

 

Addiction

A person is as good as their word. When one is an addict they will lie, cheat and steal and it doesn’t matter from who. I’ve seen it time and again but, ‘this time is the last time’ how many times can one hear that line before they declare no more? After awhile even those closest to you become no more due to the pain in which you create for yourself. Often times it’s not the world that’s against you it is you against your own world. The world that was created for you by your own demise. Until one is ready and truly ready to face the dark demons they carry within the walls of their mind they will continue to use and abuse and unfortunately destroy all they have built time and again. The walls will eventually crumble and when it shatters to the ground who will truly be around?
Get HELP for no one else but yourself, stop living life in the fast lane and unlace those running shoes to find that the person that lives inside you really isn’t so bad. Recognize the pain in which you not only inflict onto others but the pain you’re avoiding by that next “hit” and live an honest, fruitful life before it’s to late; not for those around but for yourself!

Where does the time go?

I know that is a question we ask ourselves and others all of the time but really, where does the time go? Seems I get up in the mornings and I begin my day by taking a nice long, warm shower before making myself a cup of coffee and getting prepared for the day. To work I go and I fill my day with countless conversations with strangers, insurance companies, invoicing this and that, dealing with dealerships, co-workers and all the while keeping my morale and a smile on my face. I get tired though but then when on my way home I hear a song and it seems to ‘pep’ me up again!

Home to be greeted by my four legged fur babies, which by the way they do make me smile and as I walk down the path into the door I stop to take a peek at my garden. I am so very proud of that garden! Knowing I planted something and have taken care of it and seeing it grow before my eyes; well that is magical and special! I LOVE it!

Then before you know it it’s time to prepare dinner and wait for all to come home from their busy day and we sit to eat and converse and hopefully share some laughter. I sit back and I wonder to myself as I look at my daughter who’s now an adult and ask, ‘where did the time go’. Did I take enough time out of my days to enjoy the pitter patters that ran along the floor when she was little? Did I go outside and sit on the curb with my son in front of the house and play with matchbox cars long enough with him? I look at them and seeing how great they are today and think to myself; the time was not wasted.

I can see the morals and values in which I have tried so hard to instill in my daughter finally making an appearance. It’s taken many trials and tribulations for her to find her way back but I think she’s going to be okay. I listen to my son talk with me as I have given him the keys to my brand new 2014 car and see the lessons and safety precautions showing up in his decisions and movements as he straps on his seat belt and turns down the radio before putting it into gear.

I smile at myself and secretly at them and know in my heart that we still have a lot of time and we don’t have to ask ‘where did the time go’ because time is still on our side and for that I am ever so grateful and proud at the same time!

 

Party Girl No More

Awe to be able to breathe in a world with the magnitude of true simplicity is the greatest feeling one could possible bestow upon me! If one were to have told me years ago that I would be happily married, sitting out on my patio in front of a beautiful garden created and designed by me; I would seriously laugh at them and tell them just how full of it they were. I would say to them that I would be somewhere in the world living in a beautiful structured apartment building in a city of a concrete jungle, not a country setting on a patio in front of a garden that I created writing in a blog but then I would be silly because that’s just what I am doing!

Years ago I was a single mom of two getting by with an 8-5 making money and living carefree on the weekends that I didn’t have the littles and just doing what ever it was that suited my fancy. I was happy so I thought until the day I met the man I later married and gave the key to my inner city and the dwellings that lived inside me. I share with him a home with 5 1/2 dogs. I say 1/2 because well, one is all of 5 lbs and truly believes she is human. She doesn’t see herself as being ‘dog’ as much as being one of us, then again she is one of us because all of them are a part of our family!

I love the life I have today and while I miss those carefree, coming and going moments I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world now. I sit here and feel the wind breeze by me with sun shining down and hear the laughter of the birds singing and the scatter of the claws from the squirrels in the tree behind me and think to myself, ‘what a wonderful world I live in today’. Cliché? Nah, not so much as it is growing up and finding my place in this world we live in. I have found happiness, I have found my niche and that makes me smile on the inside which reflects on the outside for all to see and I couldn’t be more proud of myself from where I was to where I am.

I didn’t have a great childhood and didn’t really know what love was because I never felt ‘unconditional love’ but I have that today and wouldn’t know what to do without it if I were to lose my best friend, my soul mate. The man absolutely completes me in so many ways and people are always stunned to see the once ‘party girl’ tamed and settled down to pure bliss! I still feed the party girl that lives inside me but I keep her at bay and while I am not changing who I am persay for someone else I have morphed into the real me and I truly enjoy the me that I have become!

The aniticipated dreadful appointment succeeded

This morning I had to go in for my appointment to get my abdominal walls, bladder and rectum all checked out for cancer being that my female organs are all affected. Some say who needs all the female organs anyways if you are done having children. Well, I wasn’t done! I may have had a tubal but we were headed down the path for a reversal. I know, I get it; my odds were there and maybe it wouldn’t have been successful in creating a child after the aforementioned but it was MY choice that is no longer there.

Regardless, all is contained to the one area so a full hysterectomy it is. I go on the 25th of this month for that aweful day to remove MY parts that I wanted to have with me for the remainder of MY life but, I guess I can’t have that option; it’s for the best.

Cancer sucks ass. I hate it, I hate the word, I even hate the word remission because it is tangled in a web of crevices that I just despise with every fiber of my being. Whatever, stupid fucking cancer!